BAD, BAD knee....

...and NOT happy about it. At all. Period. I had my orthopdic appointment this morning. I thought I would just walk in and out with a cortisone injection. Ah...no! It did not work that way. Not at all. I walked out instead with two appointments - one for an MRI and one to follow-up on Thursday with the orthopedic doc. It turns out that the damn IT band diagnosis may be COMPLETELY off by a long shot. HUGE shot! In fact, it's WORSE than an IT band injury. Right now, I wish it was just a very bad IT band injury. Instead, I might have torn the lateral side of the meniscus on my right knee. In fact, there's edema right above the knee, which is sign of fluid in the knee - from what the doc said. He compared both knees and noticed it right away. FUCKING GODDAMNIT!! UGH!!!!!!!!! All I want to do is fucking RUN...period. I want to be able to run with my boyfriend in Chicago. I want to run my next race soon. I HATE fucking sitting still...period! I can not walk around normally no longer than an hour without pain. Going down stairs are a fucking joke (as Josh will tell you since he lives on the TOP floor of his apartment building with NO elevator). It just SUCKS right now. UGH!! Thank goodness for my very understanding and patient boyfriend, who listened to me vent and cry on the phone after the appointment because I was SO upset with the news. My MRI is scheduled for tommorow morning up at the crack of dawn at 6:15 am. My follow-up appointment is Thursday morning, which is what I wanted so I can get the results before flying to Chicago on Sunday morning. There's nothing I can do right now 'cept wait. NO lower body weight training! NO biking! Just light on the eliptical and some swimminng (which I can't do jacksquat..not a swimmer!) Right now, I need get myself together for tonight's dinner with my mom (FINALLY) to break the divorce and new boyfriend news to her AND meet her new boyfriend (Thank GOD he's going to be there..I will need it!). This is first guy that she had me meet so far since my dad's passing almost 2 years ago. She has taken her time to get back out there and happy for it. It's just PLAIN WEIRD to know that my mom is dating again. Sorry, but it's easier to bear a sibling dating vs. a parent. At least to me. I am taking time to get used to the idea. I am sure my mom will be the same with me when I tell her my news...both of them. I have asked my dad for A TON of strength right now......on top of the knee shit! Well, that's all of the venting that I am doing...for now. Time to me to finish laundry and take my frustrations on the bathroom tile cleaning. UPDATE: Bathroom is SO clean now. Plus my dinner talk with my mom about the divorce and "introducing" her to Josh. I did not get to meet her boyfriend yet, who had to work late. I feel SO much better now...and the huge monkey is off my shoulder. (GO HOME, MONKEY!)

Calm after the storm...

Well, I have been talked about my relationship with Josh the last two days and feel like I neglected to fill in on things at home. I feel a little bit guilty about it. Well, as the subject states, things are a little bit at home. The entire legal process has been almost complete. The relationship with my ex has improved over the last two weeks. In fact, we are able to talk more and more than before the divorce. We act more civil towards each other. We lean on each other about certain issues like our job searches and such.

Ever since I started the process of getting divorced, my ex's luck has turned around for the better. Unfortunately, due to the lawsuit (which I can not talk about anymore due to a confidentiality agreement I reluctantly signed), he was forced to resign from his job with the same company after almost 8 years. with them. Fortunately, he was able to find a new job working in a hotel security department that started within days of his last day with the former company. He even interviewed with Macy's in DT Minneapolis (gasp!), but was turned down.

On the other hand, he offered an interview within days of starting this new job at Best Buy Corporate HQ that paid more than both jobs. After two interviews, he received a phone call with a formal job offer and immediately took it. This job showed a lot of promise for him and would give him better opportunities within the company. He gave his two week notice with the hotel, but has chosen to stick around as a PT/on-call weekend employee when they need him. He's very happy with working at Best Buy. My ex has even given up his quest to become a FT Police Officer, which ends our little competition for a job. His bosses have even placed him on a project to find a company that sells and installs a part for their phone system since he has previous experience with the former company (the one who kicked him to the curb when they were in the wrong!) handling those type of projects...and this is his SECOND week. Plus on top of that, he's going out with his friend the weekend that I will be in Chicago. Hopefully he will have some luck in the bar. ;)

Now I am dealing with starting the job search myself. My current employer has no more opportunities to advance. I just got turned down for another promotional opportunity. I will be lucky to get a raise to a level that meets the rest of the state. The officers at my alumnus make $3 to 5 per hour MORE than me...and do not have dorms to worry about. I am hoping to get the same luck (at least rubbed on me) as my ex. I am testing with two agencies for a job as a 911 dispatcher, which have experience in my current position. One of the test is tomorrow morning.

I am also attempting to see if I have some luck in Chicago area as well where I am seeing more security managerial positions openings, which will tap into my current degree and skills that I have. Plus the pay to a Police Officer is $15,000 MORE per year than in MN and from what I can tell (please do not quote me on it) they pay to send their officer to the academy vs. in MN we had to PAY our way into the Law Enforcement skill academies as part of our degrees (I paid over $5,000 for my education and materials). I would LOVE to have my Peace Officer Licence transfer like butter, but that would be serious dreaming if I did. I have to be working in agency here for 6 months and then transfer over my licence. Who the hell was smoking the good stuff when they wrote that? The job search and opportunities in MN is like cats and dogs with just table scraps for jobs.

But we will have to see. Please wish me luck and see if the job god will look down on me and smile.

UPDATE: NOT happy about the Avs performance. Another loss and another piece of crow to eat in front of the ex. Damn Defense! ANOTHER UPDATE: Firefly Lesson #9,950 - DO NOT take anything to help with sleep the night before an important job test that involves memory. UGH!!!

Another damn emotional Firefly moment....

....and I am SO sick and tired of them. I am doing through a difficult time again today. This is something that I need a lot of support right now. Hopefully, tonight my mom and I will be getting together for dinner. During that dinner, I will coming out with the news of the upcoming divorce. It is difficult to talk about with my mom. It is even MORE difficult to talk about after what happened during the time when I divorced husband #1. When I went through my first divorce, it began TWO YEAR time where my parents and I did not see eye to eye. In fact, we did not speak to each other....period. My parents were not happy about the divorce. They got completely involved with it. It became SO bad that my ex #1 had to bring the kids over to my parents instead of me. They simply did not approve my decision. They did not approve of me. HELL they did not come to my wedding when I married my ex#2. I invited them, but they chose to not to attend. My son had to walk me down the aisle instead of my dad. This was a very painful moment in my life. That all changed when my dad was diagnosed with leukemia and given three months to live, which turned into a 9 month battle he lost. I was forced to move a little bit closer towards speaking again. In fact, the first time that they met then-current husband was in my dad's hospital room. I walked in by myself, but explained that he was outside the waiting area to get the "all-clear" to come in. We ended growing a little bit closer, but still had my "safety blanket" to protect myself from getting hurt. I will admit this now that my worst fear is losing my mom and family again after I announce my current divorce. It will be a horrible pain that I do not want to go through. In fact, my ex #2 has been slightly planting fears in me that my mom will abandon me again or hate me, which has made it very difficult to come forward with the news. These feelings have made it more important to have my friends behinds. I can not imagine losing any of them, including my blogger friends. After the events over the past weekend, it really opened up a new floodgate of emotions and fears - mostly ones that I kept stuffed inside again even to those who really trust and love. I may have already lost an non-blogger friend after P.F. Chang's over the divorce. It is a long story. It is SO painful to bear, but I realize that I cannot please everyone. I am not a perfect person...period. I make mistakes in my life. I am not a perfect daughter. I am not the perfect mother. I am not the perfect friend. Goddamnit, I screw up at times. I can honestly admit it. All I ask is for your support and prayers as I get the courage to face this. I really need it now. Update: I got my butt to the gym after this post and worked off the stress..FINALLY. Today's Workout 35 minutes Eliptical machine 3.44 miles 403.8 calories 10:10/mile

Firefly's Sad News...

...and I am ready to finally come out with it. This is very difficult to talk about, but I am ready to be very open with what's going on with my life right now. I know that I have a great, supportive group of blogger friends that I can talk about this with. **sigh** **gulp** My husband and I are ending our marriage and filing for divorce. As you have read in previous posts in November, I have been dealing with problems in my marriage. Since those posts were written, things have been not improved. Within two weeks of writing those posts and doing a lot of soul searching, I made the decision that I seriously needed to make changes in my life...and quickly. The only thing that I can say is that my soon-to-be-former in-laws told my ex-husband that they would have been surprised if our marriage lasted 5 years and not surprised that it only lasted this long. I was VERY upset when he told me that. It took me an extra 10 minutes to get the full emotion of what they said to sink in. On the other hand, I received a lot of great support from Josh during this difficult time. He has been a good ear to listen to my vents, fears, frustrations, and other garbage that I have been dealing with. I also have other great off-line friends who have been supportive during this time too. Once I made the decision, it took me over two weeks to get the courage and strength to tell my husband. I was able to get the courage to ask for the divorce about a week before Christmas during a rough counseling session. I do not wish to go through the details, but aftereffects of this coming-out was very difficult and rough - at time very scary with several sleepless nights especially during the last week before my last long run. I received a lot of great support from Josh during this difficult time. It has taken me another two weeks before I come out with the news to the Chicago NYE group on NYE. It has taken me another week to come out with all of you. All I ask from all of you is four things. 1. Support and LOTS of it! 2. Do not judge! It is something that I am not looking for right now. 3. Listen and allow me to vent. 4. Privacy at this time. I have most of the paperwork done, but still have some minor details to work still. I will work on the rest of the paperwork when I return home from Phoenix. Speaking of ex-husbands, please keep my children's step-mother, Stacey, in your prayers. My ex-husband #1 called me this morning and told me that she's in the hospital with problems with her heart and diagnosed with SVT. On top of that, she's now about 4 months pregnant with their first child together. I was very supportive for him and spent time with the kids so they could get their minds off of this situation. I had a lot of problems during my two pregnancies so I know where she's at and how she's feeling. My main objective today was to help him focus on his wife and I was with the kids. The kids and I saw "Charlotte's Web" this afternoon, which was very good. Well, I am finally heading to bed. I will hopefully do some cross-training today and then heading out with Danielle to Cold Stone tonight too. This is going to be an easy week for me before the half-marathon.