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Monday, January 22, 2007

Another damn emotional Firefly moment....

....and I am SO sick and tired of them. I am doing through a difficult time again today. This is something that I need a lot of support right now. Hopefully, tonight my mom and I will be getting together for dinner. During that dinner, I will coming out with the news of the upcoming divorce. It is difficult to talk about with my mom. It is even MORE difficult to talk about after what happened during the time when I divorced husband #1. When I went through my first divorce, it began TWO YEAR time where my parents and I did not see eye to eye. In fact, we did not speak to each other....period. My parents were not happy about the divorce. They got completely involved with it. It became SO bad that my ex #1 had to bring the kids over to my parents instead of me. They simply did not approve my decision. They did not approve of me. HELL they did not come to my wedding when I married my ex#2. I invited them, but they chose to not to attend. My son had to walk me down the aisle instead of my dad. This was a very painful moment in my life. That all changed when my dad was diagnosed with leukemia and given three months to live, which turned into a 9 month battle he lost. I was forced to move a little bit closer towards speaking again. In fact, the first time that they met then-current husband was in my dad's hospital room. I walked in by myself, but explained that he was outside the waiting area to get the "all-clear" to come in. We ended growing a little bit closer, but still had my "safety blanket" to protect myself from getting hurt. I will admit this now that my worst fear is losing my mom and family again after I announce my current divorce. It will be a horrible pain that I do not want to go through. In fact, my ex #2 has been slightly planting fears in me that my mom will abandon me again or hate me, which has made it very difficult to come forward with the news. These feelings have made it more important to have my friends behinds. I can not imagine losing any of them, including my blogger friends. After the events over the past weekend, it really opened up a new floodgate of emotions and fears - mostly ones that I kept stuffed inside again even to those who really trust and love. I may have already lost an non-blogger friend after P.F. Chang's over the divorce. It is a long story. It is SO painful to bear, but I realize that I cannot please everyone. I am not a perfect person...period. I make mistakes in my life. I am not a perfect daughter. I am not the perfect mother. I am not the perfect friend. Goddamnit, I screw up at times. I can honestly admit it. All I ask is for your support and prayers as I get the courage to face this. I really need it now. Update: I got my butt to the gym after this post and worked off the stress..FINALLY. Today's Workout 35 minutes Eliptical machine 3.44 miles 403.8 calories 10:10/mile

16 comments:

Kurt said...

I think you will find true friends will be there even if they don't agree with your decisions. In the end friendship should survive the challenges of life.

I am so far from perfect. As far as I know the last person who was was born slightly over 2,000 years ago.

You can count me as a friend to you.

Danielle said...

I agree with Kurt...real friends, no matter what, will stand by you and be there. I know there are a lot of things friends of mine have done that I wouldn't do myself, but I would never judge them for it. And I hope that they wouldn't judge me in my most stupid of moments.

I'm here if you need to talk and/or vent and/or just want someone to say stupid things and tell you stupid stories of the things they have done (like my last weekend...still debating if I'll share or not!!).

Full Metal Lunchbox said...

It's sad that not all of your friendships will survive this time, and that your soon-to-be-ex is planting fears in your head.

But at least you are sure of yourself, and you know who you can count on.

Soon this difficult time will be over, and we can laugh about it over a couple of bottles of sweet lambic.

Laurie said...

I'm sorry you've lost friends because of making a decision that is best for you. I know how that feels, just for different reasons that you. It is bad enough losing friends, but to have your parents turn their backs on you is just terrible. (I too can relate.) Parents are supposed to love you unconditionally. There is nothing that can replace the bond that there once was. I hope that you mother learned from her mistake last time and will support your decision this time. I truly hope that for you.

Wes said...

You don't have any control over the choices that other people make. The most important thing is to be true to yourself, who you are, your feelings. If they choose something that does not make you happy, let them know that you'll always be there, and move on, knowing you were true to your own principle.

Cassie (TIGGS) said...

hang in there and be strong girl! friends that do nto support you in your times of need were never your real friends anyway...better off without them!

sorry I am *so* late in posting this, but I was out of town. CONGRATS on Phoenix!!!!!! Go TNT!

Nicole said...

Hugs

Neese said...

only you know what brings your heart love and peace and if it means making some changes in your life your true friends will support you. not having a mothers support is painful but you are an adult and she will have to be the one to catch up and learn to support your happiness instead of stifle it with what she thinks you should do to fit her mold of what life should be.

Anne said...

My sister's going through a divorce and discovering the same thing about some of her friendships that were tied to her staying married. Maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised by your mom. At the very least, it sounds like you're prepared for the worst.

WannaBe5Ker said...

(((((((((((((((prayers & peace)))))))))))) to you and to your loved ones. Best of luck with your mom tonight.

Peace.

Charles said...

There is nothing for me to say that hasn't already been said. I can't even imagine what you are going through and I can't help but be inspired but your strength and courage. We'll be here for you no matter what!

a.maria said...

you have us. i'm so sorry for what you're going through, and won't even pretend to understand what it feels like, but you do have us. of that you can be certain!

Michele said...

Sorry I am behind on my reading, hope the meeting with your mom went well.

My mom doesn't support the choices I have made and we don't talk much but I think it is her lose. She is missing out on two of the greatest grandkids to ever lived.

Lora said...

Always be true to yourself..this is the only life we get as far as we know.

Losing friends during a crisis is very painful, but you will get through all this and be a better you for it.

Stick with those that give you full support. Life is too short to hang with naysayers.

AND......don't forget to laugh!! It's the best medicine!

L*I*S*A said...

While I've never met you in real life, remember, I'm here for you. You'll find the strength to do what you need to do.

((HUGS))

Dori said...

I haven't visited since you came back from AZ, and so much has gone on! I didn't realize you were going through a divorce; it sucks. I've found that things usually aren't as bad as I expect them to be; hopefully, that was the case when you broke the news to your mother.

I hope the acupuncture works and you're soon back on the road.